


Modern Day Sin

by thefantasmickah



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Religion, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-18
Updated: 2013-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-12 09:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/489313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefantasmickah/pseuds/thefantasmickah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paige didn't know if she was a mistake or if she was just who she was meant to be. All she really knew was that when she looked at Emily, she felt a warmth in her heart that couldn't be attributed to the weather. Paige-centric, Paige/OFC, mentions of Paige/Emily</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When she was younger, Paige was a typical Daddy's girl. She adored the ground her father walked on. As she grew older, started school, she began to see ways in which he wasn't all that she believed him to be.

Paige remembered the first time she ever saw her parents as real people, outside from the rosy influence of family. Her mother, already pale from the disease that would claim her life later on had burned the dinner they were supposed to eat that evening. Paige had never seen her father so angry, and for something that was an accident. When he yelled at her mother, grabbing her arm, that was the first time Paige ever felt fear. The very same fear she saw reflected in her mother's eyes.

He was rarely violent, and never to her, but that wasn't a moment she would ever forget. As the leukemia ravaged her mother's health and body, Paige stuck by her side. Somehow, she knew, despite the various treatments and short times of remission, her mother didn't have much longer to live.

Her mother had made her peace with her inevitable death many years before Paige entered the eighth grade. Paige could tell her mom was holding out for her, but there came a point where Paige took her mother's hand and held it tightly, “I'll be okay, Mom. You raised me well. I love you. Always will.”

Her mother had smiled, tears falling down her sunken cheeks, “I know, honey.” She squeezed Paige's hand tighter, the other ran through Paige's brown locks gently. “Promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“Never be afraid to be yourself, my daughter. Love boldly, live freely and know God and I will be looking out for you. I love you, sweetheart.” She died later that year in early October. Paige was thirteen. Just under a year after her mother died, Paige met Emily.

 

The summer going into her freshman year at Rosewood High was abnormally hot. That reason, coupled with her intense desire to get out of her house and away from her grieving father, led her to the community pool.

The pool was where she rekindled her love of swimming and found herself drawn to more than just the talent of the Fields girl who lived two blocks away. Her hair, so dark it was almost black, held the luminous quality Paige used to wish for. Her olive skin seemed to glow in the sun, soaking up the rays and reflecting them back at Paige, and the world with such intensity it made her squint. In short, the girl was gorgeous and everything Paige had ever wanted to be.

Without really understanding why, Paige set out to befriend this girl. “Hi there, I'm Paige. I noticed you swim here a lot.” She wished she could sound half as cool as this girl looked. Somehow, even in a Speedo brand racing suit, the other girl still managed to appear unfazed by the uncertainty that followed teenage years.

“Hey, I'm Emily. Yeah, I'm practicing to get on the swim team at Rosewood.”

“You are? Cool! I am too! I mean, I've seen you practice, you're really good. Do you have any pointers for me?” Paige's face felt like the sun had landed on it and was planning on staying for supper.

“Sure!” Emily smiled at her. “Should we get in?”

“Wha--?” Paige looked at the other girl blankly.

“Get in the pool? It's easier to show than tell.”

“Right, okay. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Emily laughed and jumped into the pool. “Let's get started.”

That was how the two of them spent their summer, at the pool. Some days they would condition and race, others they would just float about and play games. Marco Polo was one of Emily's favorites and Paige couldn't help but acquiesce when Emily suggested it. If there was one thing she knew she loved to see, it was a smile and a laugh upon Emily's face.

The summer was soon over and both of the girls tired out for the swim team. Emily made first string, Paige second. Paige knew Emily could sense her disappointment and she tried to cheer Paige up. She took her out for ice cream

“You know, you looked really good out there.”

Paige blushed, “But not good enough.” _Not as good as you._

Emily reached across the table to grab Paige's free hand, “Hey, stop beating yourself up over this. We're just going to work even harder and within no time at all you'll be speeding past me.”

Paige laughed lightly and gripped Emily's hand, “You mean that?”

“More than anything.”

“Cool,” Paige let out a long breath, hand still clasped in Emily's. Their eyes locked and Emily dropped her hand, “Yeah.”

The school year began to pick up and soon Paige found herself more and more without Emily. Seemingly without warning Alison, the popular girl from Paige's middle school, snapped up Emily's attention.

Increasingly Paige would find that instead of sitting with her, Emily would be sitting next to her  _new_ friends, Hanna, Aria and Spencer. All of them were handpicked by Ali as her personal posse. It didn't take long for Paige to stop eating in the cafeteria at all.

She much have seemed withdrawn because even her father noticed something was wrong. “Are you sick, Paige?”

“No, sir.”

“Then why aren't you eating your dinner?”

“Just thinking.”

He seemed to pause at that, he watched her closely, “What's troubling you?”

Paige looked at him in surprise, it was the first time since her mother had passes that he showed a genuine concern for her mental state aside from making her see their pastor for counseling.

“My friend, Emily, she's the one that helped me with my swimming, this popular girl at school claimed her as a friend and now Emily doesn't talk to me.”

Her father looked at her for a minute before responding, “She obviously didn't help you enough if you didn't make first string. Maybe it's a good thing you aren't talking.”

Paige fought the urge to let her jaw drop, “Emily was a  _great_ teacher, Dad. I just need to practice more, get my times down. It's not something that will happen over summer break.”

“That's right, you do. Maybe instead of focusing on friends who obviously don't care about you, you should work on getting better.”

Paige watched her father with indescribable sadness as he started in on her academic success (need to do better or no swimming at all) and repeated the mantra that had been a part of her life since the year before when her mother died.  _He's just grieving. I shouldn't make him mad. He's only doing what he thinks is best for me. He's my father._

“You're right,” she interrupted, “I'll do better.”

He looked up at her in surprise and almost smiled, “Good.” He cleared his throat, “Now eat your chicken.

She obliged.

 

Some days she still couldn't believe how easily Emily picked Alison over her. In October, a year after her mother died, she saw Emily in the courtyard and asked if she wanted to go to the coffee shop after school to catch up. Emily blew her off saying, “I can't, sorry. Ali is coming around to mine after school.”

Paige didn't fail to notice how Emily's eyes lit up with the thought of Alison. “I see.” She said, though she really couldn't. All she could see was how these four other girls seemed to be more important to Emily than Paige ever was.  _Maybe that explains the jealousy._ Paige reasoned with herself.  _Ali and the others are so different from me so that's why I feel so slighted._

She tried to get her mind off the other girl.  _No girl spends this much time thinking about another girl unless she's obsessed or messed up in the head. Maybe both._ She pushed the thoughts away. Instead she focused on her schoolwork and swimming and tried to ignore the way her breath would catch when she saw some of the girls pull themselves out of the pool. She would keep her mind on the homework she needed to complete. She thought of the time she needed to beat instead of the way the beads of water would fall between Emily's breasts. How her lungs would fill with much needed air after a particularly hard relay, her chest straining against the swim suit.

Paige began counting the times she had unholy thoughts about the other girls and made sure to pray extra hard on those days. To her father's delight she started going to Thursday evening services at the church on top of Sunday morning services. 

Paige tried not to flinch at school when she say Emily with Alison in the lunch room (Paige had decided to brave the cafeteria in mid-November) and she could see how Ali would let her touch linger on Emily's arm, back, shoulder and how Emily would light up and lean into the touch. Ali would smile like she knew a secret no one else would ever guess. Paige tried not to notice how Emily would deflate as soon as Ali left the table, locking arms with her boy of the month.

Her father had never been more proud of her than when she brought home a note from her science teacher saying she was one of the brightest students in the class (Paige didn't know they still did that sort of thing in high school, but she shrugged it off). She beamed with pride when she told her father that she would be bumped up to first string within the month according to the swim coach.

Her father managed to surprise her even further by hugging her and kissing her on the forehead. That day was only slightly damped by Ali kissing Emily on the cheek during lunch and Emily blushing so red she had to excuse herself from the table.

 

When Michael, from science, asked Paige on a date she gritted her teeth and asked if she could get back to him later that night. They exchanged numbers and she sent him a text later with her address once her father okayed the date. They set the date for Friday night that week. He was planning on picking her up at her house around 5 so her father could meet him.

The date went as expected, there were awkward moments and funny moments. Paige could say with certainty that she wasn't going to marry the guy but she liked him well enough and he made her laugh on more than one occasion. When he dropped her off at home after dinner and a walk through the park he asked if he could take her out again (yes) and if he could kiss her goodnight (also yes). The kiss was short, just how a first kiss ought to be she reckoned as she ignored the overwhelming feelings of how  _wrong_ it felt. She smiled at him tightly and headed for the door. “See you at school,” he called after her and she looked back and waved.  _No, it's wasn't terrible, just not good either._

 

She dated Michael throughout the rest of the year, all the while tuning out how much she wanted to break up with him and be free from the expectations being with him brought her. Come summer she finally did just that, earning her father's respect when she gave swimming, keeping up with her studies and church as her reasons. He patted her on the shoulder as he headed for his chair in his study and told her he was proud of her.

The pleased look on his face was the one she kept in the forefront of her mind after the news broke later that summer that  Alison  DiLaurentis was missing. S he certainly did not think of Emily and how she was holding up. And she definitely didn't have to stifle the  _I'm glad she's gone_ thoughts that popped up. Instead she worked harder on swimming and prayed harder than ever. What she prayed for was between her and God.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point the theme of the story will be taking shape. I'm not intending on offending anyone with the topics discussed but feel free to let me know what you think! Happy reading!

 

Paige had never been a spiteful person, so perhaps that was the reason that she felt such intense guilt after the summer of Ali's disappearance. It wasn't that she wanted the girl hurt, Paige just wanted Emily back. She just wanted her _friend_ back; Alison didn't share.

To make up for her guilt Paige delved even deeper into the church. Soon the church leaders were giving her more passages to learn so she could start helping the younger parishioners understand God and how he worked for his children.

Paige had never felt less worthy of her father's attention than when the pastor made that call home. She felt as though she were deceiving them all. The night of the announcement, after celebratory ice cream, Paige found herself on her knees by her bed praying more deliberately than she ever had. _God, please, listen to me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what is right or wrong. I used to know. At least I think I did. I'm lost, God, and I don't know how to find myself. I know that if I trust in you then you will guide me on my proper path. But I can't help feeling that I'm failing everyone. You, Mom, Dad, Emily. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I should be. Help me, help me so that I can see._

The next day she saw Emily for the first time since the news of Alison's disappearance first broke. She looked haggard, as if she hadn't slept in days, Paige figured there was actually a fair amount of truth in that statement.

“Emily,” Paige called to the other girl. She jogged to catch up, “I just wanted to say hi.”

Emily looked at her blankly, “Hi, Paige.”

Talking to Paige seemed to be the last ting Emily wanted to do but Paige wasn't deterred, God had sent her this sign for a reason and she was not going to pass it by. “Look, I know you probably don't want to see my face, but I thought I would ask if you were at all interesting in racing me sometime, you know, like we used to.” Paige couldn't help but feel hopeful as she waited for Emily's response.

“I,” --Emily seemed to be searching for the right words-- “Guess it couldn't hurt.”

“Great!” Paige exclaimed, hugging Emily tightly, “I'll call you tomorrow, okay?” The way Emily's grip on her tightened wasn't lost on Paige, she reveled in it.

“Okay.”

“Sounds good, see you soon!”

“See you.”

Paige couldn't help the bounce in her step as she walked away. Smiling, she thought, _sometimes things work out the way you hope they will._

The next day broke with apprehension. Paige was worried that Emily honestly didn't want to be her friend anymore and Alison and the other girls had given her the courage to stay away from Paige. Cursing and calling herself out for being so ridiculous, Paige finally set about dialing Emily's number.

Emily picked up on the third ring, “Hi, Paige. I thought you forgot about me.”

Paige stifled the _not likely_ that tried to burst from her lips. “Nope!” She chuckled, “Just running late today. So, when are you free?”

“I was thinking about one. That way we can make use of the lap time they pool sets up and the open swim afterwards.”

Paige's breath hitched, _why did hearing Emily's voice cause her such a noticeable reaction?_ “Sounds great, see you in about an hour then.”

“See you soon.”

She heard the emptiness of sound indicating the end of the call for a number of seconds before she could bring herself to end the call on her end. She let out a loud “Woop!” of celebration. She quickly sobered however and began to ready herself, she didn't have much time.

Just like the first time Paige saw her, Emily was bathed in sunlight. She leaned against the wall beside the front door of the pool. “I'm kind of surprised you came,” Paige heard herself vocalize before she could censor herself.

“Ouch,” Emily looked genuinely hurt.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean--”

Emily cut her off, “It's okay, I know you do. I deserve a lot more than that if we're being honest.”

Paige looked down, all she wanted was to be able to spend time with Emily. She didn't want to dredge up old memories, especially unpleasant one. Though, and she would never admit it, there was a small sense of satisfaction with how much of a reaction Paige's words had caused, “Let's just swim, alright? I want today to be fun.”

“Sounds good to me. Let's see if you've improved any, McCullers.”

“I'll bet you lunch I did.” Another time Paige wished her brain would catch up to her mouth and keep a better lid on it.

Emily's eyebrow arched. “Pretty high stakes.” _You have no idea._ “Okay, I'll bite. You've got a deal. Loser buys the winner a late lunch.”

Paige held her hand out for Emily's and they shook on it. Paige tried not to think about how soft Emily's hand was and if that sensation translated to other parts of her body. She cleared her throat and withdrew her hand, “Let's get rocking.”

The two young women decided that a few initial laps were needed in order to warm up. Paige couldn't really explain it, but she had this feeling in the bottom of her stomach that if she could just connect with Emily again (though how, she wasn't certain) then next year could be something great.

Swimming with Emily felt beyond right to Paige. There was just this magnetic pull Paige felt every time she was near Emily. When they were swimming and racing each other, it was as if all weight had been lifted from her mind. She couldn't say with certainty if her feeling of freedom stemmed from Emily or from the flow of the water caressing her body. If she had to venture a guess she would probably say that it was a mixture of the two. Emily allowed her the comfort that swimming did, she didn't feel like she had something to prove because Emily saw her for what she was, who she was.

If Emily thought she threw the race, she didn't ask. Paige wasn't entirely sure why she didn't power through even more at the end, there was something holding her back. Laughing, Emily tore off her goggles and waited for Paige to surface. “So,” she flicked water at Paige's face once she was beside her, “Where are you taking me to lunch?”

Paige tried to keep her legs from shaking, thankful they were under water so Emily couldn't see how nervous Paige was at that moment, “What are you hungry for?”

“How about some sandwiches from the corner store and then we can go to the park to eat?”

“Sounds good to me.” Paige dunked her head back in the water and then shook her hair free from its confinement, laughing when Emily sputtered as water landed on her face.

“Oh, it is _so_ on!” Emily lunched at Paige, her hands found Paige's shoulders and she pushed Paige under the surface. Emily let go and allowed Paige to break the water.

“You jerk!”

Emily feigned innocence, “Me? You must be mistaken.”

Paige laughed, “Come on, you dolt, let's get changed so we can get some food.”

“Race you to the locker room!” Emily hoisted herself up onto the cement and started a quick walk toward the women's changing room.

Paige pulled herself onto the solid surface. “Emily, be careful!” She yelled out, laughing at the lifeguard on duty who was glaring in their direction. Paige's breath hitched when her gaze caught the sway of Emily's hips. She was gorgeous, Paige couldn't lie about that, nor would she choose to. She blinked a few times to try and clear her thoughts, _she's your friend_. When she looked at Emily again her hip was cocked and a small grin was present on her face, “You coming, McCullers? Or do I have to eat all by myself?”

Clearing her throat, Paige mentally flicked herself on the head. “Right behind you, Ems.” Emily looked at her and nodded, turning back around and heading into the room. “Always behind you in everything it seems.” Paige muttered to herself before moving forward. “Get a grip, McCullers. Everything is fine.” Paige gritted her teeth to give her something to focus on beside Emily and walked into the locker room, she had other things to focus on.

 

* * *

 

The “not really a date” but more of a “this is only part of a bet, so don't get used to it” was definitely on Paige's top three list of the most fun she had had since her mother passed. “Emily?” Paige almost didn't dare break the mood that had fallen over the two of them.

“Hmm?” Emily looked up from the napkin she had been folding and tearing apart.

“Do you think it would be possible for us to hang out more this year? I mean, now that...” Paige trailed off, her mind a blank of the words she was going to say.

Emily looked up to meet her gaze, Paige was floundering. “What is it you're trying to say?” Emily's tone was sharp and Paige nearly gasped with the steel of it.

“Just that I missed talking to you and hanging out last year and now that we've hung out together again, you should be able to see how it can be fun.” Nothing was going how she had planned, the words weren't making sense.

“My best friend is _missing,_ Paige.” Emily looked furious. “I think that's a little more important than what you're feeling right now.”

Paige couldn't help nor stop the tears that sprung to her eyes, “I--” she stumbled over her words as well as her chair in her haste to escape the moment. “It won't happen again. I'm sorry to have bothered you.” Paige turned and left Emily sitting at the picnic table. _Where had it all gone wrong?_

 

* * *

 

 

She didn't see Emily again that summer. Whenever their paths crossed, Emily would move to the other side of the street, sidewalk, aisle, to keep away from her. Paige tried not to let it get to her.

Without a goal to aspire to, Paige panicked. She had no idea where her path in life was leading or if she was even on the correct path (or a path at all at this point). Unwittingly she found herself meeting with the pastor of the congregation.

“Paige, come on in.” He smiled kindly at her and gestured to have her sit in the leather chair facing his desk, “Have a seat.”

She looked around his office, it appeared to be the standard study for men of the cloth. There were bookcases lining the walls and soft light shining down from the tops of the shelves to showcase the books. “Thanks, Pastor.” She perched lightly on the edge, her leg quaking up and down.

“Relax, Paige. What can I do for you?”

Paige made to stand, “You know, I need to go--” She stopped mid way when she heard him clear his throat.

“Paige... Please.”

She sat down and stared at her hands. They weren't spectacular by any means. They were rough from many years of use in her mother's vegetable garden. Her nails were rarely painted because the chlorine and constant water made her nails soft and it was difficult for paint to remain chip free. She twisted her hands and picked at a hang nail; they were the hands of a coward.

“Paige?”

She looked up, not even trying to conceal her wet eyes, “Am I a bad person?”

His eyes widened and Paige could see the gears in his brain turning. Instead of answering her question, he asked her one of his own, “Why would you ever think that, Paige?”

“I lie. I don't love as I should. Sometimes I'm mean. I have impure thoughts.” Her voice sounded weak as if someone had turned down her vocal chords ability to phonate.

Pastor John sighed and leaned forward in his chair, “Paige, you're no more a bad person than I am.” _Bad comparison._ “You're human. And a teenager. I hardly think those few things make you a bad person.” He waited for her to nod in recognition. “Now, have you ever purposefully hurt someone?”

She shook her head, “No.”

“Have you ever wished harm on someone?”

She paused at length, thinking. Alison. “Not really.”

“What do you mean?” His tone wasn't harsh, if anything, it was reassuring.

She breathed deeply, “Before Alison DiLaurentis disappeared, I had a thought where I just wanted her to go away.”

To his credit, though she supposed that he's heard worse in his line of work, Pastor John didn't appear disgusted or even disappointed with her, “And why is that?”

“I just wanted Emily to be my friend again.” Paige clammed up when she realized how that sounded. Sin. She sounded selfish. “That wasn't very Godly of me, was it?”

“Paige, the point is not to act as a God, it is to act in the proper image of Jesus and the life that has been set for us. Can you tell me why we ask for forgiveness at the beginning of every service?”

“Because it's nearly impossible to keep from sinning. That isn't to say that we shouldn't try, right? We should try and be free from sin, but Jesus died for us, in place of us so that we would be forgiven of our sings.”

He smiled at her, “'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.' We're all full on sin, Paige. That's part of being human. And what is also part of being human is knowing when to ask for help. Am I right in saying that's why you're here today?”

“You always do seem to know what's going on and what to say.”

He laughed, “That's why the Big Boss Man gave me the job.”

Paige couldn't help but join in laughing, “I suppose so.”

“Paige, would you say you are unhappy?”

She looked down and shifted in her seat, “In general, no. But I know that there is much to be grateful for even if it is hard to see.”

He watched her for a while before responding, “Your mother was a wise woman, we were ever so sorry she left us as soon as she did.”

Paige swallowed past the sadness in her throat, “Me too.” She paused, “And I know my father thinks of that too.”

“Your father is a good man, Paige, even with as stern as he seems. The Lord's plan has not been easy for him to accept at times, and I believe that is true for you as well. It is oftentimes hard to stomach the losses we believe to be unjust or unfair. But you know as well as I that one grows from challenges. Never forget that.”

She stared at the wall behind his head, his certificate from seminary was displayed prominently. He was a man of God, a vessel of God's word, he had to know what he was talking about, even if sometimes she felt like screaming because how could God be so cruel. How could he take her mother and leave her alone with her father. How could he make her this way and expect her to know what to do and how to act. She bit the inside of her cheek and stood, “Thank you, Pastor. You have helped tremendously.”

He stood and spread his arms, the palms of his hands facing up, “Depart in peace knowing Jesus died for you and you alone. May you be granted the strength to walk in God's way. Amen.”

“Amen.” She echoed him and turned to leave.

“And Paige? Don't be afraid to come in and talk, about anything. You're a very special girl and I don't want you to get lost.”

“Sometimes we have to get lost to be found again, Pastor,” She walked to the door of his office, “I'll see you on Sunday.”

 

* * *

 

The school year couldn't have picked a better time to start. There were definitely times where Paige wished that she didn't have to see Emily, but for the most part those were overwhelmed by the way her heart would clench and her stomach would drop and she found herself rather liking those feelings. What she didn't care for were the feelings that threatened to submerge her when she heard that Emily had started to date one of the guys from the men's swimming team. Ben. If someone asked her, she wouldn't have been able to explain just why the mere mention of his name made her skin crawl but there was something about him that scream untrustworthy. Emily could most certainly do better, and deserved better.

 

* * *

 

“Dad?” She closed the front door behind her.

“I'm in the study, Paige.”

She placed her bags beside the table in the foyer and walked toward the sound of her father's voice. He was seated in his dark leather chair beside the cold fireplace so she took a seat across from him on the couch and pulled a book from the end-table next to her.

He looked up, eyebrows raised, “What are you doing?”

She looked at him and smiled, “Reading with you.”

Surprise graced his face momentarily, “Oh. Well, all right then.”

Paige ducked her head in the book and smiled.

Later, when they were at the dinner table, Paige finally mustered up the courage, “Dad?”

“Yes, Paige?” He looked up from his newspaper.

“Our meet schedule was released today. I just wanted to know if you wanted to see it so you could write them in your calendar. I mean, if you even want to go.”

His eyes sharped and she looked away, picking at the piece of bread on her plate. “Give me the schedule, Paige. After dinner.”

“Yes, sir.”

She counted her peas, four left. She ate a couple more before putting her fork down, “May I please be excused?”

He nodded, barely paying any attention.

“I'll put it on your desk.”

“Hmm? Okay.”

She cleared her plate and left the kitchen, maybe he would actually show up to some meets, maybe he would be proud of her this year. She crossed softly into the study, schedule in hand and walked to her father's desk. Opened on the desk was a book and curiosity got the better of her as she began to read. When her eyes scanned the words she became more and more appalled. “Modern Day Sin” was the title and it seemed to be filled with what was considered “Prevalent and worrisome acts in today's youth and non-Christian culture.”

She bit back the feeling of panic that seemed to start from everywhere in her body and put the book back where she found it, early in the chapter on Promiscuity and Homosexuality. She placed the schedule on the book. In some way she almost wanted to shut the paper inside the book, just to see how long it took her father to find it again. She hurried out of the room and went upstairs, she really needed to think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point where this story diverges almost completely off canon. Thanks for sticking around!

 

Rarely did Paige ever make resolutions for the start of the New Year. That tradition was one that her mother made sure they kept. Her's were typically something that represented how good of a person she was. 'Knit hats for the premature baby ward of the hospital', 'Serve at the soup kitchen once a week'. Her's were the type that you would feel proud to keep and share. Paige's were more along the lines of, 'Eat all the vegetables on my plate without complaining.' Her mom thought of that one too; she was five at the time.

This year, entering the second leg of her sophomore year, Paige wanted a new start. It had been too long since she made a point of visiting her mother's grave and now was the perfect time. It was a cool Saturday morning when Paige chose to go. She bundled in her coat and scarf as well as a hat to keep from getting chilled. She hurried out the front door, slightly begrudging herself for not making hot chocolate or tea to warm her insides. “As much as the Lord warms our souls, Paigey, we too must warm our bodies,” her mother often told her.

When she reached the barely weathered stone she dropped to her knees. The snow on the cold earth started seeping through her pants almost instantly, but Paige found she didn't mind. “Hi, Mama.” Paige brushed the stone etching, “Sorry I haven't visited in a while.” She regarded the tombstone for a couple minutes before she shifted in order to lean back on it. When she closed her eyes she could almost imagine her mother behind her, wrapping her in a warm hug. Paige played with her fingers which were constricted by woolen gloves. “I don't really have an excuse. But sometimes, sometimes, Mom, it's so hard. I miss you so much. You were my cheerleader, not Dad. And I just get this feeling that he looks at me and is disappointed in whatever I do. Sometimes he looks right through me, Mama. You know,” Paige laughed lightly, the dark of the early morning and the gently falling snow swallowed the sound, “Sometimes he looks through me and I swear he is looking for you.”

“He misses you so much, Mom. More than he would ever admit to anyone, even Pastor John. Do you think you could keep an eye on him for me? I don't want him to be alone in his grief.” A cold wind burst through the trees, shaking her already iced frame. She looked up at the sky and smiled, “I know, Mom, that's my resolution for the year, make more friends. Get out of my shell. I'm going to make you proud.”

With the flakes growing fatter, Paige could almost hear her mother's voice, “You already make me proud.”

Paige wiped a tear from her cheek, “I love you.” She rose and looked at the grave, the snow was quickly filling in her indentations, it was almost as if she was never there. 

The next week school started again. This time, instead of keeping to herself, she made a point of sitting with the swimming team at lunch and joining in their conversations. She didn't want to be remembered in high school as the girl with no friends who only had a passing success in regards to swimming. 

Soon, some of the girls became he best friends, though she didn't feel the same toward anyone as she did toward Emily. _Maybe first best friends are like that,_ she thought. Interestingly enough her father was happy with the development. “You should invite some of the girls over. Maybe you could have a sleepover, do teenagers still do that?” When she looked at him, disbelief clear on her face, he just looked at her and said, “It's what your mother would have wanted.”

Tears formed in her eyes and fell down her cheeks, she couldn't help herself as she took a few strides to meet him. She threw her arms around him, “Thank you, Daddy.” She pulled back, realizing what she had just done. She looked at him and was unable to read his expression. She cleared her throat and turned to head to her room.

“Paige?” She looked back at him, “Friday would work well, don't you think?”

She smiled widely at him, “I'll give them a call.” 

“Alright, dinner is at seven. Try to be done with your homework before then if possible.”

“Yes, sir.” Paige just about skipped up the stairs, she needed to call Melanie and Danielle to see if they were free.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week was filled with a sense of joy that Paige hadn't experienced in quite some time. It was a different sort of joy than her mother had brought, but a similar one to having Emily in her life, similar, but not the same. Instead of dwelling on the difference, Paige focused on planning for Friday she wanted everything to get well. She tried not to let the fact that hadn't had friends over in years keep from having a good time.

Soon Friday morning shined and Paige couldn't help but get up with a smile on her face once she remembered the day. She had only to make it through the school day, including a quiz in English, and ten swim practice, after those, her friends were free to come over. There was an extra bounce in her step, one even her father noticed. “Have a good day, Paige. I'll see you and your friends tonight. Neither of them are vegetarians, right?” Paige shook her head. “Good, crazy liberals.”

Paige couldn't help but laugh, “See you later, Dad.” 

“Bye, Paige.”

She kissed his cheek and headed to school.

The day went almost without snag until the girls were getting ready to go to Paige's after swimming had finished. Melanie and Danielle were waiting for Paige to gather her things, Coach had pulled her aside after practice so she was running late behind them. She looked up when she heard someone clear their throat near her. It was Emily. She smiled at Emily tightly, “Hi?”

Paige couldn't read Emily's expression. Emily nodded over in the direction of where the other girls were standing. “I guess they're better friends than I ever was, if they're going over to your house.” 

Paige didn't even know how Emily heard about them coming over, all she knew was that in that moment she couldn't take it anymore, “I don't really think you're in any soft of position to claim that, Emily. Remember, we're not friends anymore, per your request.” Paige paused and looked at her, she gathered her bag and started to leave, “You have _no_ _right,_ Emily. Not any more.” She turned to face Danielle and Melanie as she reached them, “You two ready?”

“What was that about?” Melanie asked as they left the locker room

“Nothing, nothing at all.” Paige tried to dismiss the moment that had just passed from her mind but found it difficult when all she could see when she blinked was the look on Emily's face after Paige said her bit. Paige knew she was fully within her right to say what she said, especially given how Emily responded, but that didn't help with the feeling of intense guilt she was wracked with, almost as if she had just ruined any chance of Emily wanting to be her friend again, but she couldn't wait forever, she _wouldn't_ wait forever. Glad that Melanie and Danielle weren't the type of friend that required constant attention, Paige unlocked her front door and ushered them inside.

“Wow,” Danielle said once they were in the foyer. Her voice echoed, “This place is huge.”

“I guess.” Paige shuffled and kicked the rug as the two girls looked around. She had to agree with Danielle, though not in the same way. After her mother died, the house that had been filled to the brim with joy and laughter no longer felt welcoming. Instead, the size became something that she hated. “Okay, want to see my room?”

“Sure!” Melanie chirped. “Is it upstairs? Let me guess, your room is blue.” 

Paige couldn't help but laugh, leave it to Melanie to put her at ease. “Want to bet on it?”

“Ooh!” She bounded up ahead of Paige and Danielle. “That means no. How about white? Pink?” Paige crinkled her nose and Melanie laughed. “Okay, that's a huge no.”

They reached the door to Paige's room, “Last chance, Mel. Speak now or--” 

“Forever hold my peace, I know. Yellow?”

Paige opened her door and smiled widely as she heard Melanie gasp and then exclaim as Danielle punched her.

“Green,” Danielle's cool blue eyes surveyed the modest sized room, “It suits you.”

Paige felt the beginnings of a blush on her face. “Thanks.” She turned and walked in the room farther. “So, we can either sleep in here or in one of the guest rooms. Or there are couches in the Recreation Room.”

Melanie laughed, “Did you hear that, Dani? She has a 'Recreation Room'.”

“I heard, Mel.”

Both girls chose then to look at Paige and she found herself blushing again, “So...which do you think?”

“I don't know about you, Dani, but I think I want to see the 'Rec Room'.”

Paige laughed and motioned down the hall, “Come on, Fred and George, let's go investigate.”

Dani linked her arm with Paige's an dragged her down the hall, “I think we're going to have a grand time!”

Paige couldn't describe the feeling of relief that coursed through her, “Neither of you are vegetarian or vegan, right? Because my dad is making hamburgers for dinner.”

“Not me.” Melanie skipped ahead of the two girls. “So, where is this room? I feel like Alice lost in Wonderland right now.”

“My house isn't that big.” 

“News flash, Paige, it kind of is. But that's cool. And I think hamburgers sound great.” Danielle squeezed Paige's arm and her heart fluttered.

She pulled away from Dani quickly and gestured to the double doors on her left. With a flourish she opened the doors, “Voila!”

If Paige had to use a word to describe Melanie, it would be excitable. “Oh my god, your TV is huge!”

“Yeah, my mom liked movies so my dad had this room made for her. The TV was her idea.”

“Sounds like a great lady.” 

“She was,” Paige looked around the room and touched one of the leather couches.

“Hey,” Dani put her hand on Paige's shoulder, “I'm sorry.”

Paige turned to meet her gaze. “It's alright.” The mood was broken by the sound of Melanie plopping onto one of the couches. Paige shook her head, clearing the thoughts that cluttered it, “Well, let's go see if we can find out when dinner is!”

“Sounds good to me,” Dani removed her hand. “Come on, Mel. I'm sure we can see what movies they have after dinner.” As Melanie left in front of them Dani turned once more to Paige, “I'm pretty sure Mel never actually grew up.” 

Paige laughed and closed the door behind them, “It's refreshing. Maybe she's happier that way.”

They followed Melanie down the stairs and into the kitchen, “Yeah, maybe.” Dani smiled at Paige and winked, “But sometimes it's more fun to be older.”

Paige shivered, her dad would not like this side of Danielle if he ever found out.

“Right,” she licked her lips. “Let's eat.” She spotted her dad with a plate of burgers on it. She walked over to him and took it from his hands, “Hi, Dad,” she kissed his cheek, “Smells good.”

He closed the patio door behind him, “There are fixings on the counter in the kitchen.”

“Great!” She placed the plate next to the toasted buns.

“This is Danielle, or Dani,” Paige gestured to the girl on her right, “And this is Melanie, or Mel.”

“Good to meet you, Mr. McCullers. You have a lovely home.” Dani smiled so wide Paige was almost convinced her cheeks would crack.

Paige elbowed her, “Laying it on a little thick?” She said out of the corner of her mouth.

“I'm _trying_ to make a good impression.”

“Danielle, Melanie,” he nodded at them.

“Looks great, Mr. M!”

“Okay well, let's eat?” Paige looked at her father who motioned to the food. “Guests first.”

As they settled down at the table, Paige had to cough and hit Melanie on the arm before she took a bite of her food. “What?” She mouthed. Her eyes widened when Paige motioned to her father.

“Shall we say grace?” He looked to Paige. “Paige?”

“Yes, Father. Thank you, Lord for what we are about to receive. Amen.”

He looked a little less than pleased with her feeble prayer but the desire to melt to the floor overwhelmed her beyond the lecture she was sure to receive once her friends were out of the vicinity. “Amen.”

“Amen.”

“Amen.” Melanie looked at Paige, “Can we eat now?”

Paige nodded, “Dig in.”

Thankfully dinner passed without further snafus. When she saw that the girls were done she addressed her father again, “May we please be excused?”

He watched her for a few moments, “Yes, please clear your plates. I'll take care of the leftovers.”

“Okay, come on girls.” They followed her to the sink where they washed their plates and then put them into the dishwasher. They walked out of the kitchen and headed upstairs, “Do you want to pick out a movie, Mel?”

“Yes!” Melanie bounded up the stairs.

“I swear, she's going to be seventy years old and still running up and down stairs.”

“Put us all to shame, just like swimming.”

“True, I swear she's going to be Emily one of these days.” 

Paige's laugh felt full of air and lies, “Right.”

Dani thankfully didn't mention anything about the oddness that fell over them.

“Hey guys, do we want to do a RomCom or something else?”

“Please no RomComs!” Paige couldn't help herself.

Dani quirked an eyebrow, “Passionate much?” 

Paige looked away and rubbed her arm, “I find it hard to relate to them and doesn't think they actually happen in real life.”

Melanie looked horrified at Paige's words. “But, it's love, what could be wrong with that?”

 _You have no idea._ Paige grimaced, “I just—can we watch something else? Maybe a drama.”

“Sure,” Dani pulled Paige to the nearest couch and sat next to her, “Find us a movie, Mel!”

“Hmm,” Melanie dug through the boxes of movies. “Oh! How about _Boondock Saints_?”

“Works for me.” Dani looked to Paige and laid her hand on Paige's arm and squeezed it lightly, “Paige?”

Paige's eyes met Dani's, she slowly nodded.

“Great!” Melanie put the movie in, pressed play and then sat down on Paige's other side. “Now cheer-up! Hot accents!”

Paige laughed, “Right, _that's_ why this movie is awesome.”

Dani nudged her slightly, “Just let her have this one.” She winked.

Paige swallowed thickly.

 

* * *

 

Inviting the two girls over turned out to be one of the best ideas Paige had ever had. Melanie was just the effervescent person to bring her out of the various funks she often found herself in. And Dani, there was just something about the way she could put Paige at ease, simply by leaning over and resting her hand on Paige's thigh or squeezing her arm. Being friends with them was effortless.

To say that she didn't feel anything toward Dani past friendship would be a bold face lie (the type she was getting used to making). The fact that she could hardly imagine even being in the position to act on her feelings only added to her decision that the truth needed to be buried deep inside (much as it had been regarding Emily). Her father was one of the main reasons, the second the fact that Dani (or Emily for that matter) would never feel the same way so it was better for Paige to leave well enough alone. The other major reason was that there was a huge past of Paige that believed (or hoped and prayed) that if she didn't act on her thoughts or feelings then they would go away like a bad dream. The problem she was finding was that no matter how many times she tried to close her eyes to the truth, it always came knocking again.

 

The rest of the school year passed with relatively little how-to-do. There were only a few notable instances where Paige found herself leaning in closer to Dani than would be considered proper. In those moments, where Paige could count the freckles splattered across Dani's nose and could smell the way she always smelled of lemon and sunshine and how somehow Paige could see both of those reflected in Dani's hair.

It was pathetic, she thought, how even still she thought o Emily and how thinking of Dani in this way seemed almost as if she were somehow being dishonest to both of them. But really she didn't have to answer to either of them, only God (and, if what Pastor John said was true, herself).

Unwittingly she found herself in the chair across from the Pastor not far into the summer. He looked up at her when she walked in and motioned to the seat. “Tell me what's troubling you, Paige.”

She watched the hands of the clock to his left tick for some times before finally speaking, “Do you think God is ever wrong?”

Silence overwhelmed them, but for once silence didn't choke her. It was comforting to hear that someone else needed to take their time to find an answer to the question that had been plaguing her ever since first meeting Emily and was then solidified further through her friendship with Dani.

“How do you mean?”

His question almost made her smile, it's not as easy as everyone claimed it to be. “Does God make mistakes? I mean, clearly the existence of sadists, murderers says that something isn't quite right. Or are those choices that people make? Or is it based on biology?”

“You ask a lot of questions, Paige.” He chuckled.

“I guess I just want to better understand myself, and others. Are we the way we are because of choice that we or someone else made or something else? And then is it our fault if we feel a certain way that we believe to be out of our control?”

“What is it that you're asking?”

“I don't really even know.” She wished that she could actually ask these questions without fear of what would happen or what he would say.

“Let me ask you this, Paige. Do you believe in God?” She nodded. “And do you believe that He has a plan for you?” Nod. “Then what is it that's concerning to you?”

“What if he messed up? What if there is something wrong with me?”

“Paige, there is nothing wrong with you. I can assure you of that.” 

“How can you know that for sure?”

“Simple,” his voice was kind, “I believe.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Paige saw the picture of Emily kissing a girl, Paige almost couldn't believe it. Dani had laughed, said, “I knew it!” and slapped Emily on the back. Paige just swallowed her tongue, too afraid she would say or do something she would regret.

Later that week, after the excitement had died down, Paige found herself with Dani in her room, the door closed. Everything that was happening was so overwhelming for Paige. Emily being gay or, at the very least, liking girls was something that she hadn't even allowed herself to think about as a possibly. Paige felt like she couldn’t breathe when she was around either Emily or Dani, as if someone had dunked her head under water and expected her to breathe. Around them it was all sunshine, lemon and quicksand.

She sunk even faster when Dani sat next to her on the bed, presumably finished with her homework. “I think that was really brave of Emily.” Dani finally spoke.

“Brave?” Paige scoffed and her breath quickened, “It wasn't like she intended for anyone to find out.”

Danielle stretched out over the length of the bed, “Maybe not, but she rose to what happened and didn't try to hide.”

“What's wrong with hiding if it keeps you safe?” Paige snapped and then tried to revert to her earlier state of assumed indifference.

“Whoa, Paige,” Dani sat up slightly and looked at her, concerned. Paige hated the way Dani's shirt rose to show smooth skin and a hint of hipbones. She hated how she could see the way the cool of the air in her room prickled the delicate skin and cause a rise that Paige wanted to experience with her tongue, just to see how they felt against her mouth.

Her mother once told her, “People only hate that which they do not understand.” Paige knew she was quoting something even if she believed it to be true. The only difference there was Paige did understand and _that's_ why she hated it.

She was startled by the feeling of a hand on her arm and then a slow moving thumb drawing her back to reality. “You alright?”

Paige stifled the urge to pull away. She sighed heavily, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Hey,” Dani took Paige into her arms, now sitting upright, “What's going on?”

“Does it ever stop being hard?”

Dani looked like she finally had discovered the answer to a long asked question, “Does what stop being hard?”

Paige paused, “Life.” She decided finally.

“No, not really.” Dani pulled away from her and took Paige's face into her hands, “But Paige, sometimes it can be so good and so much better than we could ever imagine it if we only let it.”

Paige glanced down at Dani's lips to escape the gaze of her eyes, they were too deep and she was so close to drowning. She licked her lips, they were so close. If they were outside in the winter Paige knew she would be able to see and feel Dani's breath. Paige whimpered as Dani moved closer, her eyes crossed and she was unable to see Dani's lips because they were on her own. The kiss was short, gently, and Paige felt herself submerging fully for the first time in her life. Her lips parted slowly in sigh and she couldn't help the urge to push into Dani deeper. She allowed herself to sinking the feeling and revel in how much better this felt than anything she had ever experienced.

Reality came crashing down on her in a wave as she realized what was happening. She broke the kiss by scrambling backwards and almost falling off her bed in her haste to get away. “We can't!” She touched her hand to her lips, they were tingling.

Dani looked as though Paige had just sucker punched her. The worst part, Paige noted, was how there seemed to be a part of Dani that wasn't surprised. “Why, Paige? Why can't we?”

“Because,” Paige sputtered, grappling for words, “I dated Michael!” Her words were bogus and Dani could see right through her.

“And I dated Sam. It happens, Paige. It doesn't define us.”

“But?”

“But nothing, Paige. Just breathe. Talk to me. What are you really afraid of, because I don't think it's me and I don't think it's Emily. I think it's because of how we make you feel. You're afraid, Paige. You're afraid of what that means.”

“Stop!” Paige couldn't take it. “Please! Just be quiet.”

Silence descended over them. Finally, Dani spoke again. “I'm sorry, Paige.” She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, “I just really like you. I probably overstepped there.” Paige only nodded. Dani stood from the bed, leaned over Paige and kissed her on the forehead. She picked up her books and put them in her bag. Pausing at the door she turned toward Paige, “Hey you.” Paige looked up. “You know where to find me, okay? And Paige? Just remember, you're right just the way you are, no matter what anyone else says. Understand me?”

Paige smiled, “Yeah, I do.”

“Good, don't forget it.”


	4. Chapter 4

 

**A/N:**  I apologize for this taking such a long time. Multiple facets of real life got in my way but here is Chapter 4! Hope you enjoy! (Let me know if anything looks wonky, I'm using a system I'm not used to so I may have missed some things.)

* * *

It took Paige three days to get over the initial shock of Dani kissing her. It proved difficult for Paige to wrap her head around. Not only did the  _girl_  that she liked, like her back, but that very same girl kiss her. Kissed  _her_. 

Of course, all this was marred by the fact that Emily was still someone she spent far too long thinking about given she was dating Maya and was so clearly not into Paige. But was it fair of Paige to even be considering a relationship with Dani when she still felt so strongly about Emily? In some twisted way, it felt like she was almost cheating on Emily. The very idea of that made her laugh, she acknowledged it was ludicrous and something she definitely needed to get over. Also huge on her mind was the fact that Dani was a girl. The very thought of Paige actually considering starting a relationship with Dani seemed wrong. But the main trouble Paige was running into was that it felt so  _right_.

Paige had been thinking about all that was going on non-stop ever since Dani had left that night. It entire situation was muddled in her head. She didn't know if she should leap for joy because of Dani or run for the hills. Was she thinking about herself too much in this situation or was this a time where it was acceptable to do what she  _wanted_  to? Her father would not approve, never approve, that much she knew without having to overthink anything. Her main concern at this point was whether or not she could knowingly and willingly go against her father's wishes as well as the teachings from the church. Where she was running into a brick wall was regarding the words Pastor John had said to her on one of her visits, "God does not make mistakes." He had said, answering one of her questions from a previous visit. Sometimes things don't seem like they make sense or should have occurred in the way that they did, but there is a plan for everyone and the "amazing and truly remarkable thing about God is that when you stray off the path, He allows you to find your way back. That's how you build faith. You ask questions and you find your own truths."

Before she was even aware, "Find your own truth" had become her motto.

 

* * *

 

That first month continued on much in the same way that the summer had. Paige knew there were some very in-depth conversations that she needed to have both with herself as well as other people. But she was trying to live her life at that moment according to what Pastor John has told her, she needed to find her own truth and learn to accept it and own that part of her being.

"I am human," she told herself as she dressed and looked in the mirror before school. "I make mistakes but I am not a mistake." She sighed and pulled a brush through her hair, she needed to talk to Dani.

 

* * *

It wasn't difficult to find Dani that morning, it was difficult, however, to find time when Dani was alone. Paige managed to catch her before lunch, "Hey, Dani. Do you think we can talk soon?" 

Dani looked at her, trying to read her intent before she replied, "Sure, can we do it after practice today? I need to talk to Mr. Fitz about this project we're supposed to be starting on."

"Yeah, that sounds great. I'll see you after practice."

They parted ways and Paige headed to the courtyard, she needed to think further and it was still nice enough outside that she planned on making the most out of the weather while it lasted.

Her tracks stopped suddenly when she saw Emily and Maya sitting very close to each other. They were laughing, hushed, as if sharing a secret only they were privy to. Paige swallowed the biting taste of unease and jealousy that arose.

Emily looked up and caught Paige's gaze, Paige tried to avert her eyes, to no avail. She focused on keeping her expression neutral but there was something about Maya that she couldn't stand. Rationally she knew it mostly was because Maya was pretty, engaging and so clearly with Emily. Mainly though, Paige couldn't stand the way Maya looked at her and smiled, almost tauntingly.  _Hold yourself together, Paige._  She tried to reason with herself.  _You're crazy. Maya is just being nice._ Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Paige smiled widely, "Emily! How are you doing? Maya." She nodded. She silently thanked all the years where she had to pretend to be a happy, well-adjusted child in front of her father's company, it was coming in handy now.

Paige revelled in the slightly confused expression that crossed Emily's face. "I'm doing pretty well," Paige didn't notice how Emily's hand tightened in Maya's, almost as if daring Paige to say anything. "How about you?"

There was a slight bite to Emily's tone that Paige ignored, "Not bad, can't complain much. Swimming. School.  _Friends_. You know how it goes."

"Right," Emily looked like she wanted to say something more but she refrained.

"Well, I need to go eat lunch, see you around, Emily. Maya." Paige turned to leave and then paused, "We should hang out sometime, Em, catch up. A lot has happened in the past year. Let bygones be bygones and all. Who knows, I might even be fast enough to beat you this year." Paige smiled and waved at the two of them. "Have a good rest of your day." She walked back into the lunchroom, she felt immediately warmer, the cold treatment she received seeping from her body. So much for spending some nice time outside alone.

 

* * *

 

Swim practice after school showcased one of the best times that Paige had ever had. "Looking good out there McCullers!" The coach yelled at her when she pulled herself out of the water.

"Thanks," she beamed. She felt  _good_ , all thoughts of previous troubles gone for the moment. She caught Dani's gaze and the smile fell from her face, there were still things she needed to do. "Let me shower," she mouthed to Dani who nodded and then winked. Paige colored.

After her shower, Paige found Dani leaning against her locker. Dani's eyes raised when she noticed that Paige was clothed in just a towel. Paige shrugged, "Left my clothes in here. 

Dani hmmed, "Lucky me."

Paige swatted at her, "Perv."

"Appreciative," Dani corrected.

Paige laughed, "You're ridiculous!"

Dani feigned, "You've wounded me," she paused, "I'll wait by the door."

"Thanks, Dani."

"Sure."

Paige hurried and got dressed, it wasn't a conversation that was going to be fun necessarily, but it needed to happen. She headed toward the door and couldn't help but smile when she saw Dani playing with a small bouncy ball, throwing it against the wall and catching it.

"Just when I think I have you figured out, you surprise me."

Dani caught the ball and looked up, the light from overhead somehow managed to brighten her face in a way that was intriguing. "Have to keep people on their toes."

Paige hoisted her bag further onto her shoulder, "You ready?"

"Yep, let's boogey."

They took a slow, meandering walk in the park and stopped to sit on the swings. Paige cleared her throat, "So." Dani nodded for her to continue. "I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, which you well know. And I've come to some conclusions, but I'm also at a loss for some other questions, and some of these involve you."

Dani watched her closely, "Okay. Where would you like to start?"

"You kissed me." Paige couldn't hold it back.

"Yes," Dani said, "I did."

"Why?"

"Because I like you," Dani shrugged.

"Can it really be that simple? Liking someone and then kissing them?"

"Does it have to be more complicated than that?"

Paige sighed and looked at Dani, "According to my mind, yes."

"Okay, answer me this, Paige. What is it that's confusing you or complicating things? Pretend I'm not me and I'm just your best friend who is here to offer advice, okay?"

"But what if it hurts you?" Paige worried her lip.

"I'm a big girl," Dani smiled. "I just want to make sure you're feeling alright."

"See! That's what makes this so hard, you're so wonderful."

Dani laughed, "Well I'll take that as a compliment then."

Paige wrung her hands, " So I have this dilemma, I like you." She paused as if registering that words for the first time, she smiled briefly then frowned, "But I also still like Emily, have for a while. And I don't know what to do. Clearly Emily is with Maya right now, but that's not the reason why I should try things with you, I know that. I want to make sure I'm doing everything for the right reason and with what is best for everyone."

Dani watched her carefully, digesting her words, "As much as it kills me to say it, you need to do what's best for  _you_ , not anyone else. You'll be happier in the long run."

Paige sighed and twisted the swing so she could see Dani, "You're kind of amazing, you know that?"

Dani shrugged, "It's been mentioned before…" She paused, "I'm not going to try and tell you what to do or who you should choose. That is your decision and I'm going to respect that. But if you do want to talk about any of this, I am here, okay?"

Paige stood up from the swing and crossed in front of Dani, "Thank you," Paige leaned in and kissed Dani on the cheek, she hesitated while pulling back. Her eyes flicked down to Dani's lips, she leaned forward, mind made up, and caught Dani's lips with hers. She had to fight to keep from melting into Dani. She pulled back and opened her eyes.

Dani was still leaning forward, eyes closed, "Wow." Her eyes opened slowly, "So, what does that mean?"

"It means," Paige shuffled and pushed her hair behind her ear, "It means that I want to try this. I'm not going to promise that I won't freak out, but I'm going to try and do my best."

* * *

 

For the first time in a long while, Paige could breathe. She and Dani weren't dating publically just yet because Paige was still trying to work through it all. The fact that she was deliberately going against what her father would want was almost exhilarating, but at the same time it was also horrifying when she began to think about what the possible ramifications of her actions could be.

It wasn't that she didn't respect her father, though maybe he would see it differently, it was because she respected him that she couldn't let him dictate her life completely. Maybe if he could see how she was able to make well thought out decisions, even if he didn't quite agree with them, maybe then he would see her as his daughter on the edge of adulthood, and how that wasn't a bad thing. In fact, most parents would be glad their child wasn't a complete fuck-up. He probably wouldn't see it that way.

Paige sighed and turned to Dani who was laying on her bed, book in hand. She looked up, "Penny for your thoughts?"

Paige leaned back so her legs were hanging off the bed and situated her head in Dani's lap, "Just thinking."

Dani put the book down, "That was a pretty hefty sigh for 'just' anything." She ran her fingers through Paige's hair, "What's going on, Paige?"

Paige sighed again and burrowed her head into Dani's jean-clad thigh, "Can we not talk about it right now? I just want to enjoy my time with you without any of that silly stuff."

"If you're sure. I just want you to know that you're welcome to share any of that 'silly' stuff anytime. That's what I'm here for."

Paige laughed, "And here I thought it was because you like kissing me."

"Well yes, that too. But I like your brain too."

"Yeah?" Paige moved up the bed and straddled Dani, "Tell me more."

Dani grinned and pulled Paige close, "I'd rather not," she said as she closed the distance between them.

They kissed for a while before Paige pulled back, eyes wide, "Did you hear that?"

Dani looked at the closed bedroom door, "Was that?"

Another knock.

"Just a minute, Dad!" Paige reached for a book, any book, from her nightstand. "Oof!" She leaned too far and tumbled to the ground, book firmly in hand.

Dani started laughing, "Oh, hi, Mr. McCullers. How are you doing?"

"Dani, is there a reason why my daughter is on the ground?"

Dani wracked her brain, "I think she reached a funny part of her book. One minute she was sitting on the bed, the next…"

A small smile graced his face, "And what book is that?"

Paige lifted the book she had grabbed and her eyes widened in horror.

" _Old Yeller_?" He looked at Paige, "Now Paige, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt in saying you weren't actually laughing at the book."

"Thank you, sir."

"Now, I have something I need to talk to you privately about."

"Oh," Dani made move to leave. "Should I—"

"No, no. We'll go to the study and you can keep reading… _Matilda_."

"Thanks, Mr. McCullers, it's Classic Book Day."

He shook his head, "Kids." He walked to the door, "Come on, Paige."

She followed him down the stairs and into the study she sat on one of the chairs as he closed the door behind her. He sat down. "It has come to my attention, Paige, that Emily Fields, a girl whom you considered a friend, is dating a girl and acting in a deviant lifestyle."

Paige barely kept her jaw from dropping.  _What?_

He continued, "As such, I do not want you to see her or speak to her. Not a word. She is sinning bleightently for all the world to see and I do not want you experiencing that."

"Why? Are you afraid she will turn me gay if we're friends?"  _Too late for that, Dad._  She gathered her courage, "I don't see what's wrong with being gay, Father. Please explain to me how it is so wrong."

"You've been neglecting your Bible." His voice was calm, almost detached.

"No, I've read it. Multiple times. I meet with Pastor John at least three times a month. I  _know_  the Bible, Father, and Jesus loved everyone, so I will too."

His teeth clenched and he looked hard at her, "You are forbidden to talk to Emily again."

Paige sighed and nodded slowly, this wasn't an argument she could win right now. She needed to regroup and have a discussion with him again. "I understand. But I still have to see her at school and on swim team. I can't really ignore her."

"You  _will_  try."

"Yes, Father."

With that, Paige got up from the chair and left the study, closing the door behind her. She trudged up the stairs and stood in the doorway looking into her room. She paused and took in the sight. Mind made up she entered the room and closed the door behind her. She crossed the room to the bed and climbed on top of it. She took the book from Dani's hands, "Hi."

"Hi yourself."

Paige leaned forward and kissed Dani. She pulled back. "I don't want to talk about it yet, can we just kiss instead?"

"Sure, whatever you want." Dani pulled Paige down and flipped them over, she could try to help Paige forget in the meantime, but in the morning, they really needed to talk.

 

* * *

 

Dani was waiting outside the school with two cups in her hands when Paige finally biked up. Dani had stayed as long as Paige's father would allow on a school night before heading back home. She extended the cup to Paige, "It's peppermint tea."

"Thanks," Paige leaned over and kissed Dani's cheek, taking the offered cup.

"How was your night? You know, after I left."

Paige sipped the drink. "It wasn't that bad, I did a lot of thinking."

"Yeah? About what your dad said, or?" Dani was fishing and she knew it.

"Look," Paige sighed and sat down on a bench, patting the place next to her for Dani to sit. "Last night my dad told me that he had found out about Emily being gay. And he forbid me from having any 'unnecessary' interactions with her."

"Oh." Dani stared at the lid of her drink.

"Oh? Do you know what this means, Dani?" Paige could feel herself start to shake. "This means that if, God forbid, he finds out about us, I'll never be able to see you again."

Dani looked up and caught Paige's eye, "So what about us then?"

"I—I don't know."

"Okay." Dani blinked fast, clearing her head. "I'm going to go to class but I'll see you later, right?" She kissed Paige on the top of her head and tried not to wince when she hear Paige's distant and delayed response.

 

* * *

 

"Emily!" Paige called after the girl before she entered the cafeteria.

Emily turned around, a surprised look on her face, "Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a couple minutes?"

Emily glanced into the cafeteria and Paige could just imagine her mouthing to her her friends that she would be right there and not to worry. "Sure, lead the way."

They settled onto a bench outside the library.

"So," Paige started, "I just wanted to warn you that my father found out about you and Maya." At the look on Emily's face, Paige quickly clarified, " _I_  didn't tell him. And I just wanted to give you fair warning that he might get nasty because of that."

Emily looked at her before speaking, "Why do you care?"

Paige couldn't help but scoff, "Why do I care? Are you kidding?"

Emily shrugged.

Paige had to bite the inside of her cheek before she gathered enough strength to respond, "You were my  _best friend_ , Emily. Do you think I make friends easily? Especially at that time in my life?" Paige hesitated before continuing, "Even after you ditched me for your new friends I still thought that someday we might be able to be actual friends again, I  _tried_  to be your friend. But it seems like nothing will please you, no matter the amends I've tried to make." Paige deliberately didn't mention Ali's name, the last time she had, Emily didn't speak to her in over three months.

"What is it that you're really afraid of Paige? Are you actually worried about me or are you more worried that I could tell your father he needs to look a little closer to home at his own daughter."

Paige gaped at her, "Jesus, Emily. What did I ever do to you? What could make you hate me so much and talk to me this way?"

"Before she disappeared, Ali told me some things. And then Maya found some notebooks of Ali's and they painted quite a picture of how you treated her."

In that moment, Paige couldn't stand Emily. "How  _I_  treated  _her_? Are you kidding me? You may be living in a rosy state of denial, Emily, but more people didn't like Ali. She wasn't a good person. My father told me I shouldn't speak ill of the dead, in fact it's common courtesy, but hey, I'm already breaking his no 'alternative' lifestyle rule, so why not? I didn't like Ali. I didn't like how she treated people and I certainly didn't like how she treated you. I watched you pine after her for such a long time even after she was gone. And all the time you were thinking about her, you had no idea what she had done or said to other people."

The vein in Emily's neck throbbed, "You're just jealous of Ali because you liked me and you couldn't bear to see someone else being my friend."

Paige clenched her fists and breathed slowly through her nose. "She strung you along, Emily. Tell me in what world was that preferable?"

Emily was silent for a while before speaking again, "I'm with Maya now so this shouldn't even matter."

"And I'm with Dani. But we both know it does matter Emily. All of that crap that happened, it doesn't just dissipate. We have to think about why it does still matter. It's only fair to everyone involved. You may hate me, or whatever, but I don't hate you, and I don't think I ever could or will." With that, Paige stood and left Emily still sitting there. She needed to see Dani.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I know. I'm sorry.

To say Dani was livid about what Paige told her would be an understatement. “I can’t believe she said that.”

Paige was laying on Dani’s bed and nodded for what felt like the fifth time, “Yep.”

“Why, I just want to--”

Paige sat us and grabbed Dani’s hands, she pulled Dani toward her, “Shh, you’re not going to do anything, okay? You’re just going to come here and be with me.”

Dani couldn’t help the grin that spread. “I like the sound of that.”

Paige pulled Dani on top of her and kissed her soundly, “We have half an hour until I have to leave for home.”

“Oh?” Dani quirked an eyebrow, “Plenty of time then.”

* * *

 

“I’ve found myself in a bit of a sticky mess and I’m not sure where to go from here.”

“Okay,” Pastor John leaned back in his chair and took a slow sip from his tea. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Paige fingered her cup of peppermint tea and took a moment. “I want to talk about forgiveness and friendship.”

“Alright. Good topic. Go ahead.”

“I recently had a fight with someone who I consider a friend. I mean, we’ve been on the outs for a while now so I’m not sure she even considers us friends anymore. I know some really shitty things have happened in her life, but I don’t think that is really much of an excuse for being shitty to me.” Paige paused and looked at the Pastor, he smiled, unfazed by her language. “It just seems like she really doesn’t care about our friendship at all. And there is still this huge part of me that wants to forgive her for what she’s said because I know I regret some of what I said too. We’re not perfect, you and I have talked about that, and that reason is why I’d like to forgive her, but I want to know the paint where it’s just not responsible to what I need to keep her in my life.”

Pastor John chuckled a little, “You’ve been reading those books I suggested, haven’t you?”

“Maybe a little bit,” Paige ducked her head. “They’ve been really helpful.”

“Have they? I’m glad.” Paige nodded and looked at him. “Oh! Right.” He cleared his throat. “I think you’re asking very important questions, ones that definitely deserve answers. If I may, I have some question for you that might help you answer some of those questions yourself.”

“Alright.”

“How long have you ‘been on the outs’ as you said?”

“We’ve been back and forth but I guess since freshman year of high school. She became friends with someone and completely threw everyone else away except her new friends.”

“Do you think that’s a trait you’d like to have in a friend?”

Paige sighed deeply, “No, I mean it felt really crappy when it happened to me, I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else. But I still feel such a connection to her and that’s why I’m so torn.”

“Paige,” his eyes were kind, “I feel like there is a whole other level here that you’re leaving out. I hope you know you can trust me, anything you say to me stays with me. And God of course, but you and I both know He’s a great guy, and He loves His children. You could tell me you had murdered someone and while I might question your choices and suggest you turn yourself in, I wouldn’t turn you in myself. This time here is like a Catholic’s confession box, okay?”

Paige took a large sip of her tea and winced when it burned down her throat. She debated with herself for what felt like over ten minutes before she spoke again. “I like her. No, I’m pretty sure I _love_ her. And it’s taken me such a long time to even think of it like that.” She looked at Pastor John, her eyes watering, he smiled, encouraging. “I know my father wouldn’t approve. He’s already told me I can’t see her.”

He sighed, “Your father is a strong willed man.”

“I know,” Paige leaned back in her chair, crumpling over the weight of her admission. Pastor John was probably one of the few people she really looked up to and wanted to have them be proud of her.

“Hey,” he reached across the desk and squeezed her hand lightly, “You’re okay. I want you to know that. You’re very brave.”

“Am I? I’m hiding from everyone and my father. How is that brave?”

“Paige, you are in a difficult situation. I don’t think anyone would deny that. Any like you said earlier, you need to do what’s best for you. How are you feeling about the whole thing?”

“I’ve had my moments. Half the time I don’t know how I’m really feeling about it. I’ve tried to deny it, tried to convince myself that all it would take for me to be _normal_ would be to find the right guy.” 

Pastor John sighed, “Paige, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. It can be really difficult to separate what others think you should be from what you are and what you think you should be. Sometimes you have to just let all that go and trust God. I know that may sound like a cop out, but maybe forcing yourself into this ‘ideal’ box isn’t doing yourself any favors. Remember that God doesn’t make mistakes, even if it seems like He is making one on you. He’s not cruel, even though some people claim He is. He has reasons. Trust in Him.”

Paige looked at Pastor John’s desk, a photograph popped out at her. A clearly younger Pastor John had his arms wrapped around a young man who appeared to be graduating from high school. They both looked so happy, so _normal_. 

“My brother,” Pastor John supplied after seeing where her gaze landed. “He’s serving in Afghanistan right now. He has about a 13 months left in this tour.”

“Wow,” Paige swallowed hard, “My--Emily, my friend, her dad is in the military, I’m not sure which branch. I don’t even know how she does it.” Paige set her mug down, tea long since cold. “How do you do it? Being away from someone you love?”

He smiled, “It’s kind of how you dealt with the passing of your mother. Day at a time. It’s easier knowing that he’s doing something he loves for the country he loves. It’s the same as anything else you do. Do what you love and everything else will fall in place, if they don’t, maybe that’s something that wasn’t meant to be. I think think we all worry too much, Paige. you have to live some time too, no matter what the naysayers may throw at you. You are stronger than that. Believe in yourself.”

She looked at him and found herself smiling, “Thank you.”

“Thank _yourself_ for being honest and being real. It’s refreshing.”

“I won’t forget that.”

 

* * *

 

“I wish you were here, Mom. I could really use your help.” Paige rested her head against the gently weathered stone. “Dad doesn’t understand, _anything_ it feels like. I’m so alone here sometimes. Well, I mean, I’m not alone. I have Pastor John and Dad, and Dani. You would really like Dani, Mom. She’s actually some of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember when you told me to never be afraid to be myself? Well, Mom, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I tell everyone the truth, especially Dad, they won’t understand. It’s hard enough to make friends already. I don’t want to add something else.

“Well, Pastor John seems okay with it all, I’ve been talking to him a lot since you died. I guess I’ve been making sure that when I die, I can see you again. Don’t worry, Mom, things are really good here for the most part, I won’t be seeing you for a longtime yet. I think I have a better grasp on reality now, more-so than a couple years ago. I don’t want you to worry about me, though I know it’s your job. Even know, right?”

Paige laid down the flowers she had brought with her next to the stone, “I know these aren’t your favorite, but those aren’t in season so I thought these were beautiful, just like you.” Paige sighed, “Mom, if I tell you this, it’ll make it real, more real than telling anything else. You always loved me most.” Paige cleared her throat, “Mom, I’m gay. I really am. And I’ve been so afraid of what everyone would say that I’ve been lying to so many people, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of sneaking around. I’m tired of lying. I’m just tired.” Paige felt weary as she spoke, all the emotions she had built up finally spilling out. “I’m so lost, Mom. I wish you were here, I could really use some guidance.

“I like this girl, I really do, but the problem is that I also like someone else. I like Dani, Danielle, but I’m pretty sure that I _love_ Emily. And that is a huge problem because I’m dating Dani and I’m pretty sure that Emily wants nothing to do with me, if what she said last time we talked is any indication. But that right there is a problem, that I’m even thinking that way, as if Dani is some consolation prize or not as good as Emily would be. I just don’t know what to do, Mom, and all the people I could talk to about this are involved in some way.”

Paige stood up slowly from where she was perched, “I could always talk to Melanie I suppose, she knows all the players, but isn’t involved much more than that. Yeah, that might work,” Paige mumbled to herself, “But I still have some time, I need to think about all this further.” Paige gathered her belongings and turned to face her mother’s grave, “I love you, and I’m trying to make you proud.”

The wind blowed gently, caressing her face and she was almost convinced that she could hear and feel her mother’s voice envelope her, “You do make me proud, baby, all the time.” Paige smiled sadly and walked back to her bicycle, it was going to be strange being around Dani until Paige knew exactly how she felt about both Dani and Emily respectively. A very strange time indeed.

* * *

 

A month had passed before Paige finally talked to Melanie. In the meantime Maya had left town under the instruction of her parents to some camp that Paige was unfamiliar with. She shuddered to think if the camp was one of those “straight” camps that people liked to pretend didn’t actually exist. Call Paige paranoid, but she was almost certain that her father would be one of the people to be able to find one.

It was a Friday when Paige asked Melanie to meet her at the deli after school and practice. “Sure thing,” Mel said, gliding away. “I’ll see you then.”

Practice ended and soon Paige found herself swept up in the hustle to leave the school. Melanie was waiting for her outside when she finally arrived. “Hi.” Paige smiled tightly, “How are you?”

“Starving, how about you? Do you want anything?”

“Just a turkey sandwich,” Paige followed her inside, “But You don’t have to--”

“Don’t be silly, it’s like four dollars so chill.”

Paige huffed and looked around, “I’ll grab us a table.”

“Cool, be right there.”

Paige took a seat and looked around the relatively small room. There was enough space for about five relatively small tables and their corresponding chairs. She exhaled heavily and slumped in her chair, “Damnit.”

The sound of the plates hitting the table startled her, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“You sure they’re worth it?” Paige asked wryly.

“Well, I mean, I’ll hear them for free, you don’t have to pay me.” Melanie winked at Paige, or attempted to, her entire face squished.

Paige couldn’t help but laugh, leave it to Mel to lighten any and every situation. “Thanks.” She took a small bite of her sandwich and willed for it to not taste as dry as her mouth was, “I need some advice.”

Melanie swallowed her substantially larger bite and grinned, “Lay it on me. I can try my best.”

“You have to promise not to talk to Dani about this, okay? It’s about her and me,” she paused, “And Emily.”

“Ah,” Melanie leaned forward, “I see. What’s up?” Paige bit off her slight surprise at Mel apparently being caught up on what was going on. “Oh please, as if you two were any sort of subtle. Sorry--continue.”

“Right, so...Dani and I have been dating for a while now. Four months, I think.” At Melanie’s scoff she rolled her eyes. “Sorry, my memory isn’t fantastic.”

“That should be something you remember,” Melanie mumbled. “Continue.”

“Anyway, I don’t know if you know everything that happened with Emily.”

“From my understanding it was more like what didn’t happen.”

“Fair enough.” Paige felt herself starting to get frustrated, “Can I get to what I need help with?”

“Okay, sorry, I’m done now. Promptly shutting up.” With that, Mel took another large bite and looked toward Paige expectantly. 

“Right, so I started dating Dani and I wasn’t sure about my feelings for either her or Emily and I told Dani as much. But I also knew that I wanted to give it a try because I would regret it if I didn’t.” Paige took a sip of her water, “Dani has made me so happy, even with my dad refusing to make anything easy. I’ve talked only to the people I trust about this: Pastor John, my mom, and now you.”

Melanie’s eyes widened, “Isn’t your mom--” she floundered.

“Dead, yes. I mean I was talking to her gravestone.”

“Right.” Melanie shook her head slightly.

“I’m not that strange, Mel. Don’t worry.”

“Good,” Melanie laughed and prompted Paige to continue.

“Well, I know I like Dani. But at the dame time I also like Emily, and now with Maya gone...” Paige trailed off.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Paige, but I can tell you what I would like to have happen if I were in Dani’s position.” Paige studied her intently, “Talk to her and tell her the truth. Be honest and let her know how you’re feeling. Relationships are built on trust and communication. No matter what it is you decide, Dani need to be involved in the process, she deserves that if you truly care about her.”

“You’re right. I’ve been a horrible person.”

“No you have not, Paige.” Melanie reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “You’re just confused.”

Paige smiled tightly and squeezed back. Outside the deli she heard a loud commotion. Her father stood by the window with his eyes affixed on their joined hands. “Shit.” It looked as if he had dropped whatever was in his hands. Paige pulled back from Melanie whose mouth had dropped in horror. “Shit.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! One more chapter after this one and the story will be completed. I just want to say how happy I am that you have all stuck with me thus far. And we're almost there! Hang on to your hats, next chapter will have a lot in it!

Saying goodbye to Melanie, Paige hopped onto her bike to head home, hopefully not for the last time. She paused once she arrived in the threshold of her childhood home, she had never dreaded entering it quite as much as she did at that moment. “Come on, Paige, you knew this needed to happen at some point,” she sighed, she just thought she might have more time to prepare.

She gathered herself as much as was possible and unlocked the door, it was now or never. The entryway had never seemed so grand, or so empty, to her before. There was something about no love in a home that made it a house, and she shuddered when she realized that she felt like an outsider in her own home. 

She set down her bag in the foyer and called out into the cold room, her voice echoing, “Dad?” Nothing. Just the sound of her stilted footsteps. “Father?” She tried again. She passingly wished there was a fire in the hearth or the smell of sugar cookies wafting from the kitchen, something to let her know that her mom, heck anyone, was with her now. “God, help me,” she pleased. Her voice caught and she felt as if her whole word was dissolving, “Oh God, oh God, what have I done?” Tears streaked down her face, leaving hot paths in their wake. She collapsed on a chair in the living room. She covered her face with her hands, “What have I done to deserve this?” 

The memory of her mother telling her that all trials were from God popped into her mind, but not before her father’s deep voice startled her, “That’s what I’d like to hear, Paige. My study now.”

She looked up at him, unseeing, “Yes, sir.”

She followed him into the large study, the fire crackingly in the room doing nothing to soothe her. “Sit down, Paige.” She sat. “Explain yourself.”

Paige bit her lip, “What do you want me to say?”

His voice was deathly calm, she had never been afraid of him as much as she was right then. “Tell me the truth. That girl I saw you with, how long has that been going on?”

Paige blinked up at him. What? “Melanie? No, no, there is nothing going on with Melanie and me, Father. I promise you that.”

For a brief moment he looked relieved and then seemed to come back to himself. He watched her carefully, “I’m sensing that there is more you aren’t saying. I would suggest you let me know now.”

The ‘or else’ wasn’t spoken, but Paige could hear it plain as day. Paige gulped, “I’m gay, Dad. And I’m pretty sure I always have been.”

The vein in his neck throbbed, she worried momentarily that this might be the time where he finally had the heart attack that seemed to be always on the verge, he really needed to stop getting so worked up, she didn’t want to lose both parents. The thought hit her hard. Blinking back tears she tuned into her father’s ranting, “--My own daughter. COmpletely direspecting me and the church. What did I ever do to deserve this?”

Paige gaped at him, “You think this actually has anything to do with you? DO you have any idea how long I’ve struggled with this and tried to change it because of you and God? I can’t be the perfect person you want me to be, Dad, no matter how long I’ve tried.”

“It’s a sin.” Paige looked up at him and barely suppressed a flinch when she saw the familiar title of a book next to her father. “It is a sin and I will not accept it.”

Paige shook her head, “It’s true. No matter how much you try to pray it away. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

His jaw visibly tightened. “Leave, go to your room. I need to think.”

She nodded and got up, “I love you,” she called out, hoping it would reach him somehow. It was all in God’s hands now.

\-----

Paige held her breath as she waited for Dani to pick up, “Come on. Come on.” She heard a pause when the phone connected and she couldn’t hold back, “Dani? Hello? Oh my God.”

“Paige? Paige, what’s going on?”

Paige flopped back on her bed, “My dad found out.” Paige looked at her nails and picked at them for a second before continuing, “We should talk as soon as he’ll let me out of the house.”

Dani sighed, “What do you mean let you out of the house?”

“He said he needed time to think about it all and to wait in my room.”

“You don’t--” Dani sounded almost frightened. “You don’t think he’ll do something, do you?”

“No, he’d never hurt me, don’t worry. I think hitting his daughter would be worse in his mind than said daughter being gay. His father hit him and his sister, I think that’s one reason why he’s so religious. He just needs time to work it out in his mind.”

“How are you so calm about this?”

Paige ran her fingers through her hair, “He knows now, there’s nothing I can do. I just have to trust that he’ll be the man that my mom fell in love with. He’s not all bad.”

Paige could hear the hesitation in Dani’s voice, “If you’re sure.”

“I am, I’ll see you at school on Monday.”

“Alright, call me if you need anything.”

“Don’t worry, Dani, I’ll be fine.”

“See you Monday.”

“Bye.”

\-----

The weekend passed with little interaction between Paige and the outside world. Her father wanted to keep her from church but she held fast, “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God, Father. Let me go to church, people will ask questions if I’m not there. Plus I can talk to Pastor John after the service.”

He had begrudgingly agreed and only lifted his eyebrows slightly at her skirt on Sunday morning.

“Nothing has changed, Dad. Nothing.”

\-----

The service let out and with a node to her father promising she would head home right after, she sat down to wait in Pastor John’s office.

“Hello, Paige,” he said, entering the room after about ten minutes, closing the door behind him. “How can I help?”

“My dad found out,” she spoke quietly.

“I see,” he leaned back in his chair before sitting forward and propping his chin up on his hands, “And how did that go?”

“I’m not quite sure yet. We talked a little about it initially and then he asked me to give him some time to think.”

“Well that sounds more positive than you had originally thought.”

“If by that you mean the scenario where he threw me out on the street right after he found out, yeah, I’d say he took it better.”

Pastor John laughed lightly, “In all the years I’ve known your father, that is one thing I could never see him actually do.” At Paige’s look of disbelief, he continued, “Paige, you remind me so much of your mother, I’d be surprised if he doesn’t see it too. I know he can be difficult sometimes, but I think in some way he believes that he is doing what is best for you. And I know it doesn’t seem like it because it’s not what you want, but let’s look at this from your father’s perspective, okay? His only daughter is gay and suddenly everything that he’s come to believe is being challenged. He loves you, I’m certain of that. But he probably doesn’t love this part of you.”

Paige sighed, “I think I get where you’re going with this, but it’s so frustrating. Why can’t he just accept it because I’m his daughter?”

Pastor John smiled, “Paige,” he urged, “That’s why he’s trying. You said so yourself that if he were going to do anything drastic it already would have happened. Give him time to process and have faith that all will turn out. God didn’t build mountains without giving us the knowledge on how to scale them. Believe in your father just as you believe in the Father above. He’s only had a couple days to think about all of this, he’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

“You’re right, Pastor. You always seem to be right.”

He looked to his left with reverence at the cross mounted on the wall, “Everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to, Paige. Trust in God and His plan.”

\-----

It was another week until Paige was able to get together with Dani to discuss what had happened. Her father had loosened the reins some but it had been so long since he had said anything about her being gay that Paige was worried that he was plotting something and one day she would come home to an empty room and a packed bag.

“Hi,” she said, kissing Dani on the cheek and handing her the cup of coffee. She sat next to the other girl. “How are you?”

Dani looked at her with disbelief, “Your life is possibly crumbling around you and you sound positively happy. You feeling okay?”

Paige laughed, brushing some hair from her face, “Thanks for that, you jerk!” Paige bumped Dani’s shoulder with her own. “Besides, it would do no good to worry, that’s what I keep telling myself at least.

Dani rested her hand on Paige’s thigh and squeezed lightly, “You’re handling it well.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve worried about what could happen so much that I’m to the point where I’m mostly glad I just don’t have to hide it from him anymore.”

Dani nodded and took a sip of her coffee, “So, what happened?”

“I went to the deli with Melanie to,” Paige paused, she still wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to do but she knew that she owed it to Dani to tell her what was going on, Melanie had made that much very clear. She hesitated and finally began to speak at Dani’s prompting, “Talk about how I’m confused and I don’t think I know what I want.” She tried to avoid looking at Dani and finally broke down, meeting her gaze, “Or who I want.” She bit her lip wishing there was anything she could say to make the situation change.

Dani frowned slowly and moved away from Paige as if trying to distance herself from what she was hearing. “Okay, so what is it that you are torn between?”

Paige shook her head, swearing at herself for causing all these issues, “I don’t even know how I feel right now. I don’t want to say something I end up regretting.”

Dani sighed, gripping the cup tightly, “We all do things we regret, Paige. The point is to realize what happened, learn from it, and make a change.”

“Yeah,” Paige slumped on the bench. “This entire thing sucks because it’s like I can’t even be happy that I might be able to be myself without worrying about my father.”

Dani bit her tongue, “There are more players in this than just you, Paige.”

Paige looked surprised momentarily, “I know that.”

“Do you?”

Paige nodded.

“Well then, what’s the best thing for everyone in this situation? What’s the best thing for you?”

“I don’t know,” Paige admitted.

Dani stood up and faced Paige, “Then you need to figure it out.” She leaned down and left a lingering kiss on Paige’s cheek. “Call me when you have your answer.”

Paige watched Dani leave, confusion swirling around in her mind. What was she going to do? She didn’t move to leave until the sun was starting to set.

\-----

It was dark by the time Paige made her way to the graveyard. She followed the familiar path, nodding at headstones as she passed. Mrs. Callahan, eighty. Mr. Severson, sixty-four. Mary Nielsen, five. She lingered at that grave stone, the stone still polished and new. She felt tears begin to form. She rubbed the stone gently and then moved to her mother’s: Elizabeth McCullers, forty-three. Paige knelt down her fingers tracing the engraving. “Hi, Mom. A lot has happened since we last talked.”

Paige smiled down at the stone, “Dad found out about Dani, about everything. But you know, Mom, I think I’m okay. I’m not as afraid as I was. I don’t think Dad is going to shun me forever, or ship me off to one of those camps. I think he just needs time.” Paige laughed, “You were right, as I’m sure you know. You always did know best, putting that old saying to shame.”

Paige looked up to the dark sky, “I miss you, Mom. I wish you could be here right now. There’s so much I would share with you.” Paige blinked, tears falling slowly, “I think you knew exactly who I was supposed to be and you tried to tell me that. You’re right. I need to follow my heart, it’s the only way.”

Paige chuckled, her voice catching, “If only it were that easy.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all she wrote! I just wanted to thank you all for sticking with me through this ride and hope you all like this final chapter. I had a good time writing this story overall and am proud with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy!

“I’ve given you a lot of time,” Paige said as she sat down across from her father at the breakfast table. It was Saturday.  
  
He nodded. She didn’t think she would ever get used to the look of uncertainty on her father’s typically assured face. “It’s a lot to think about, Paige.” He rubbed his face with his hand, shaking his head, “It’s wrong.”  
  
Paige winced, still feeling the sting of the words directed at her, “I know you think that, Dad.” His expressed appeared to strain at the name. “But I can’t believe that’s true because what would that make me?” He looked like he wanted to interrupt her but she stopped him, “Can I talk now and explain myself?” He nodded.  
  
“If there is one thing I have learned to accept from my sessions with Pastor John, it is that God has a path for us and He does not make mistakes.” Paige took a deep breath and continued, “I thought that I was a mistake. That somehow God has done something wrong. Or maybe He perverted me to teach a lesson to other people, If you’re bad then you’ll end up like me, an outsider who doesn’t love God.  
  
“But then I really started to think about it. How could I be a mistake knowing that I needed to put my trust in God?”  
  
Paige paused, hesitating, “I go visit Mom a lot. She knows everything that has been going on recently. I just needed someone to talk to when I didn’t know how to talk to you. Someone who would love me no matter what. Even though she can’t respond. But sometimes it feels like she does anyway.”  
  
Paige looked at her father and noticed tears glistening in his eyes. She swallowed hard, there was a reason she rarely brought up her mother around him, “How does her--her grave look?”  
  
“It looks good. I bring her flowers sometimes and try and clear any debris that’s gathered there.”  
  
“Good,” he cleared his throat.  
  
“Before she died,” Paige made sure he was okay before continuing, “Before she died, Mom told me that she would love me no matter what . And I know that even if she was here, she would never doubt her love for me.”  
  
Her father sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, “Your mother was a good person. One of the best I’ve known.”  
  
Paige smiled faintly, “I miss her.”  
  
He picked up his fork again and began to move the food around the plate, “Me too, Paige. Every day.”  
  


* * *

  
Paige waited until the following week to contact Dani. She couldn’t stand how even after having given it months of thought, she still didn’t have all the answers that she was looking for regarding the entire situation. She felt like a horrible person, and an even worse girlfriend. A good girlfriend should want to be with her girlfriend and not be thinking of someone else.  
  
She beat Dani to the park and took a seat on one of the open benches and waited for the other girl to show up. Her tongue felt like it caught in her throat when she saw the other girl at the top of the small hill. The light was moving through Dani’s bright hair, catching her attention and keeping it from straying until Dani was right in front of her. Was she making the wrong decision?  
  
Dani took a seat next to her and carefully took her hand, tangling them together. She seemed hesitant to break the careful silence surrounding them. After what felt like ten minutes, Dani sighed and tightened her grip on Paige’s hand. “Did you think about it?”  
  
Paige nodded slowly and turned her head in the direction of Dani, she opened her mouth to speak but closed it abruptly, she didn’t want to ruin this moment any more than she had to. Finally she took her hand from Dani’s and clasped her own together, “Dani.” She pleaded. She didn’t want to say the words, but she knew that Dani deserved to hear them. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
Paige watched as Dani bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath, “Look, Paige, I knew this day was coming and while I really wish this wasn’t how it has to be, I know this is for the best.” Dani moved away from Paige but looked at her more fully. “It’s always been her, Paige, I know that. You told me as much before we even started dating. This is the part of the movie where I’m supposed to step aside and get out of true love's way, right? It’s okay, I’ve known that for a while.”  
  
Paige shook her head fiercely, “No, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to convince me that I’m wrong and make me stay with you.”  
  
“I’m not going to make you stay. That wouldn’t be right, and you know that. So I’m going to do what’s best for me here. I need to let you go because you were never mine, as much as I wish you were. It’s time for me to find someone that will be mine.” Dani put her hand on Paige’s thigh gently, “I loved being with you. Almost every moment, but I know now what I need to do. Go, tell her how you. Explain everything to her that you’ve told me. Go be happy.” Dani leaned over and kissed Paige on the cheek, her lips lingered.  
  
“Dani,” Paige started to say.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’ll be around.”  
  
“What would you have said if I picked you?” Paige had to know.  
  
“I knew you wouldn’t.”  
  
Paige watched as Dani stood up, “I did love you.”  
  
“But not as much as you loved her. I know. It’s alright. I get that. You’re an amazing person, Paige. Go get your girl, you can tell me all about it later.”  
  
Paige couldn’t help her smile, “Thank you. You’re really something special, you know? You’ll find your forever person, I know it.”  
  
“Yeah,” Dani’s eyes teared up and she looked away quickly, “I will.”  
  
“I’ll talk to you later?” Paige stood up and squeezed Dani’s shoulder.  
  
“Go, I’ll be fine,” Dani said shaking her off.  
  
Paige nodded and started walking away. She turned when she was almost to her bike, Dani had already started walking away, shoulders visibly quaking even from their distance. Paige turned back to her bike and fought the urge to head back to Dani, it wasn’t her job to comfort Dani anymore, not when she was the reason for her distress. Paige sighed and hopped on her bike, this was turning out to be even harder than she had first thought.  
  


* * *

  
Paige knocked lightly on the door to Pastor John’s office. “Hello? Can I come in?”  
  
He looked up from his bible, “Of course, come on in,” he motioned to the chairs in front of him. “I was just working on the sermon for next week.”  
  
“Are you sure?” She hesitated at the doorway, “I can come back later.”  
  
“Sit, Paige. I don’t mind at all.” She sat down on one of the chairs in front of the large mahogany desk. “What is on your mind?” He folded his hands on top of the papers and looked to her.  
  
“I just wanted to say thank you for everything.”  
  
“It’s my job,” he winked at her.  
  
“Well yeah, but I mean, you didn’t have to be so cool about everything, but you were. And I really appreciate that.”  
  
“Anytime, Paige.” He watched her closely, noticing how for the first time in a while she looked like there was less weighing her down. “How are you feeling?”  
  
She looked up at him and smiled, “Better. A lot better.”  
  
“I’m happy to hear that.”  
  
“I was thinking that maybe in a couple weeks I could lead a discussion with some of the younger kids about inclusion and friendship, things like that. Maybe help open their minds to God’s love of everyone in a forum they would be able to understand better.”  
  
Pastor John smiled at her, “You’ve come a long way, Paige. I’m proud of you.”  
  
She stood and extended a cookie tin to him, “These are for you, sugar cookies. They’re my mom’s special recipe.”  
  
He took the tin from her and nodded gently, “Thank you.”  
  
She began to leave the office but turned to look back once more, “I’ll see you on Sunday, Pastor.”  
  
“See you then, Paige.”  
  


* * *

  
Paige pulled Melanie aside after school a couple days after her talk with Dani. “Hi,” she said scuffing her chuck against the asphalt.  
  
“Hey,” Melanie said, seeming to hesitate.  
  
“Look, I know you probably don’t like me a lot right now because I broke up with your best friend and you were friends before you were friends with me. I get all that. But I just wanted you to know I’m sorry that all that happened, but I did what you said, and I made a choice. And--” Paige ran her fingers through her hair, tangling them in the loose waves, “I don’t know if anything is going to come out of me talking to Emily, chances are they won’t. But I think you’re right in that I needed to stop being unfair to Dani, and I need to figure this whole thing out.  
  
“I really hate that I hurt Dani, I just need you to know that, Mel. I never meant for any of this to happen.” Paige sighed, “I truly thought I could be with her and that I was over Emily. But I guess not. It seems stupid for me to feel this way for someone who never really gave me the time of day.”  
  
Melanie reached out and squeezed Paige’s arm, “There comes to be a point where you have to stop thinking about what you should do and just start doing it. I know it’s hard, but sometimes the important things are.” Melanie laughed wryly, “And yeah, you’re not my favorite person for breaking my best friend’s heart, but she’ll heal. She’s a big girl. And I’ll be there for her.” Melanie looked at her phone, checking the time, “I’m supposed to meet my brother in ten minutes, I’ll talk to you later, Paige. Just give Dani time, she’ll be okay.”  
  
Paige nodded and watched Melanie go, “Yeah, alright. Bye, Mel.” She waved as the other girl left. Taking a deep breath, Paige counted to ten before leaving the school’s campus. She still needed to talk to Emily, and she wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest.  
  


* * *

  
“Emily? Do you think we could get together sometime soon and talk?” Paige felt like crossing her fingers would be a bit much but knew that there was no way Emily would be able to see the action over the phone.  
  
“Sure, I have something I need to say to you anyway.”  
  
Paige frowned into the phone, “Where do you want to meet?”  
  
“Can you come over to my house? My mom has been kind of ridiculous lately about letting me leave.”  
  
“That would be fine. What time?”  
  
“Thirty minutes?”  
  
“See you then.”  
  


* * *

  
Paige knocked on the Fields’ front door close to thirty minutes later and waited with increasing nervousness for someone to answer. She didn’t have to wait long, “Paige,” Emily’s mom open the door and motioned her inside, “Come on in. Emily’s up in her room.”  
  
“Thank you, Mrs. Fields.”  
  
“Go on up.”  
  
Emily’s door was open when Paige reached the end of the hallway, “Hi,” she said, announcing her presence. “Can I--?”  
  
Emily nodded and watched as Paige made her way into her room and sat down on her desk chair. “Look, Paige--”  
  
“Can I talk first, Em? I don’t think I’ll be able to say anything if I don’t get it out now.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Paige looked at Emily for a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking all that had been on her mind, “I know we’ve had our differences and have different truths, versions, of what happened and should happen. And you may hate me, but I could never hate you. And I want, no need, you to know to know that.” Paige stood up from the desk and began to pace around the room at the end of the bed, looking up at Emily she began to speak again, “I’ve liked you for a long, Emily, and maybe you could never feel that for me, but if we could be friends, I think that would be enough for me. I miss having you as a friend. Especially when I was finally understanding that I was--am gay.  
  
“I know a lot of what happened in the past was misconstrued and I hate that it happened because it really made a mess of everything. You were one of my best friends, even if I wasn’t one of yours. And I just needed to tell you all of this.” Paige headed for the door, “I can go now.”  
  
“Paige, wait!” Emily called out to her, stopping her from exiting the room. She waited until Paige was sitting at the desk again before she spoke, “I realized recently how I’ve been a huge jerk to you. And I wasn’t fair to you at all.” Emily sat on the edge of her bed, facing Paige, “I was talking to Hanna about it the other day and we both talked about how Ali treated us and how that made us treat others. I never wanted to be a mean person, and somehow I turned into one. And for that I’m sorry.”  
  
“I think we’ve all said things that we didn’t mean, Emily.” At Emily’s look of disbelief, Paige amended her statement, “Okay, so you were especially hurtful at times. I know you’ve been going through a lot with Ali dying and all of that. Neither of us has had it easy.”  
  
“Yeah, I wish I could change it though.”  
  
Paige shrugged, “I don’t know if I would change anything, honestly. I mean, if I could, I would love to have my mother back, but I don’t think that’s something that would change even if I prayed hard enough. I’ve learned to live with it.” Paige fiddled with her fingers, “I’d like to be friends, that’s all I want.”  
  
“Friends?” Emily breathed, looking at Paige as if seeing her for the first time as the girl who was her best friend all those years ago.  
  
“Friends,” Paige affirmed.  
  
“Okay, friends. And I’m sorry, about all that happened.”  
“Me too. It’s in the past now. It’s okay.”  
  


* * *

  
Paige was getting ready to go on a run when her father called her in from the foyer, her foot almost out the door, “Paige?” He sounded serious.  
  
Paige felt the blood drain from her face as she headed for his office, this was it, he was going to make her leave. She walked into the room, the image of him sitting at his desk burning into her memory, grand and imposing. “Please don’t send me away!” She burst out, unwilling to leave without a final say.  
  
He looked surprised and stood from his place at the desk and moved to the front of it, “Paige, why would you say that?”  
  
“I don’t want to leave. I love it here, I don’t want to go somewhere where they will try and make it so I’m not gay.”  
  
“Paige,” he said calmly, walking over to her, she felt like she was a tiny flower trying to stay upright in a large windstorm. “I’m not going to make you go anywhere.”  
  
“Because there’s nothing you could say to me that I haven’t already thought of at least once. And I tried not to be gay, I really did. But I think I was supposed to be, otherwise I wouldn’t be. That’s how it works right?” She looked up at her father, tears gathering quickly in her eyes, “Right? I wasn’t a mistake?”  
  
He sighed deeply, placing his hands on her shoulders and drawing her into a firm hug. She crumpled into his touch, reveling in the warmth she found there. “I may not like this thing about you, Paige, but you’re my daughter and I love you. Talking about your mother the other day really showed me how cruel I’ve been.” He kissed the top of her head, “I can’t say I’ll ever accept this part of you, but I love you.”  
  
Paige rested her ear against her father’s chest, hearing the slow rhythmic beat of his heart, “Thank you,” she mumbled against him. “That’s all I need.”  
  
He pulled back from her and wiped the tears from her eyes. He straightened his shoulders and his mask fell back over his face, “Now then,” he said, clearing his throat, “Weren’t you doing something?”  
  
“Going for a run,” she said, smiling at him.  
  
“Good then. Go do that.”  
  
She nodded, “Yes, sir.” She walked back through the foyer and out the front door. She looked up at street as she jogged down their front steps. A flash of blonde caught her attention and she grinned as she saw Dani walking past her house. She lifted her hand in a wave and felt a rush of warmth as Dani waved back. Exiting the yard, Paige picked a slow pace to warm up and started jogging in the opposite direction. She smiled widely, wind whipping through her hair and stinging her face, she had never felt so alive, so free.


End file.
